Consentual (laissez-faire) Parenting….say WHAT????

Ralph: "This is our island. It’s a good island. Until the grown-ups come to fetch us we’ll have fun."
From “Lord of the Flies” by William Golding

Last week I was listening to the radio. The discussion was on consentual parenting. Since I have 5 children, I’m always interested in different ways of parenting, so I turned the sound up and listened as the djs took calls.

Consentual parenting originated with a group in North Carolina. The idea is to let your child have an equal say in how they are raised. Your family works as a team to meet everyone’s needs and wants. The system is based on equality, trust, and self-determination.

That whole family as a team thing sounded good to me…until I heard the catch. There are no punishments or rewards. And the kids have just as much authority in the family as the parents. Hello… Parents are supposed to raise their children, not stand by and let children raise themselves. Otherwise you’re just a roommate to your kid. And what are you going to do when you don’t like what that roommate does? Move out and let your kid have the house?

The dj asked one mother (a consentual parenting advocate), whether she had ever had any serious problems with her children. She told him her 9yo son had taken money from her husband’s wallet. “What did you do?” The dj asked. She told him the family sat down and discussed it. “He had needs,” she said. “So we increased his allowance.” WHAT??? So let’s see what this teaches the child… My needs are more important than other people’s. It’s ok to take something if I need it. Noone can tell me what to do or punish me for fulfilling my needs. So one day this kid grows up…and gets a job. He decides he’s not getting paid enough to meet his needs. So he steals from his company. Is his boss going to say… “Oh I’m sorry. We’re not meeting your needs. Let me increase your salary. ???” NO. His butt’s gonna be fired.

Parenting is taking care of your child’s needs, sure. But it’s also about helping them set proper limits for themselves, make proper choices, and preparing them to be conscientious and considerate adults with healthy habits, that can contribute and get along in everyday environments.

What happens when a child hurts another child? One consentual parenting advocate says, “Hitting is a tool for communicating... I, personally, don’t believe in telling a child not to hit or that hitting is bad. I can, as I am sure you can too, think of several situations where I would say hitting is not only OK but also encouraged.” WHAT?? Everyone has rights, but my right to swing my fist ends where someone else’s nose begins. So when her boy gets older and hits his girlfriend or wife or kid… it’s just “a tool for communicating his anger”. I’m sure his significant other won’t see it that way.

What about watching video games or TV all day? Here’s what one mother who uses consentual parenting says, “Many parents question the whole principle of self-determination when they see their child sitting at the game system for hours on end.... Get involved, play with him or watch with him. Truly believe that he has a right to self-determination and it is OK. Maybe offer other activities that you think might be interesting, going to a TV station, to see how things work. You can certainly voice your concerns. He knows you love him and it is OK for him to say no. Consider that maybe this is a phase or maybe it is a life passion. It is, after all, his life.”

WHAT???? Ridiculous!! A life passion to play video games? Because that’s going to make him SUCH a productive member of society. And I suppose that if he decides to watch “R” movies or porn, that’s ok too? Because it’s “his life”? Wow…so many options… What if the 3yo decides he doesn’t like using the toilet or getting changed and he’s just going to wear dirty diapers his whole life and when they get full, just leave them on the floor? What if the 5yo daughter only wants to wear mini-skirts and tank tops, even when it’s freezing outside, and never go to the doctor, get a shot, or take a bath? What if the 7yo son decides he’s going to get an umbrella and a cape and jump off the roof? What if the 12yo decides to drive the car? What if the 13yo daughter decides she’s going to have a relationship with a 30yo man she met on the internet? What if the 17yo son decides to rape someone, because his needs aren’t being met? What if the 18yo daughter stabs or shoots someone to communicate her anger?

No punishment = no consequences = no rules or laws (How can you have a law without a consequence for breaking it?) = no right and wrong.

I suppose that it would be ok not to have manners or rules or consequences, if we all lived on separate islands and what we did only affected ourselves. Children need to realize that there ARE rules for living in society, that keep us safe and healthy and considerate of others. There are right and wrong choices, and when you choose an action, you also choose the consequence.

I’m all about the family working as a team. We share a lot in my family. We have family council once a week, plus a family night where we learn and do things together. Kids and parents all have responsibilities, and everyone takes turns cooking, cleaning, doing dishes, etc. But Jim and I are definitely the parents, and we have rules, along with privileges earned by trust, and consequences and loss of privileges for breaking them. Rules start at home. If children have no rules at home, how will they learn to obey rules at school, and obey the laws of their country?

When I was in high school, I read a book called “Lord of the Flies”. I don’t remember all of it, but basically a group of boys is shipwrecked on an island and tries to govern themselves. There’s a conflict between attempts to live peaceably and have rules, and the desire for power and satisfying other wants, between the moral and the immoral. It ends tragically, with the most innocent characters victimized by those who are power-hungry and only satisfying their own wants. This is the kind of society we will have if we don’t set rules for our children. Lazy, power-hungry, inconsiderate adults that don’t obey the rules or laws of their country, rely on others to satisfy their needs and wants, hurt those that get in their way, and then...let their own children raise themselves.

**

Danny and I are enjoying walking to his school in the morning. I miss last year’s reading at the bus stop, but it’s fun to talk to him and hear what he has to say. This morning he found a pinecone on our street and kicked it along the sidewalks the whole way to school. He was excited to accomplish this, but didn’t know what to do with the pinecone once he arrived at school. He’d become kind of attached to it, and he actually thought about putting it into his backpack, but I talked him into putting it on the playground for others to kick. This last week I took Danny to the eye doctor, who diagnosed him with amblyopia “lazy eye” and he has to wear a patch 4 hours after school. The doctor has confidence that if he does this for several months, the lazy eye will learn to work. Danny chose a red patch, and I have a pirate companion in the evenings. Tonight he has a piano lesson and his cub scout kickoff party, his first time to wear the patch in public. Maybe I should let him have a hook and cutlass so he can fend off all the pirate jokes.

Stephen is enjoying high school, and he’s in a couple of upper level classes this year. He was amazed that upper level teachers actually give some freedom to the students as far as rules go, letting the students talk out loud without raising their hands and pick where they sit. I explained to him that there is more freedom when you obey the rules, because then you have more trust. He is determined to study hard this year, and last night was attempting to converse with me in Spanish. I quickly realized how much of my high school and college Spanish I’d forgotten when I tried to reply.

Sarah had a “last sleepover before school” last week for the young women in our ward at church. They came to the house, had pizza, and ended up painting their faces and filming for a music video before ending with watching a movie. It was a lot of fun. Sarah has yet to make the video itself, but it’s going to be a hoot when she does.

I have been released from my stake YW calling last Sunday at stake conference, after a woman from my ward was called as the new YW stake president, and so I’m in calling limbo. I finished my visiting teaching for the month and then was like…now what?? It’s been so long since I didn’t have a calling that it feels strange not to be working on something for church all the time. I don’t think I’ll have to wait long though. The Primary president walked past me on Sunday and winked and said, “Don’t get too relaxed”.
I can dream of what I hope it is, right???

**

I got the recipe for this week out of a yard sale cookbook I got when Jim and I were newly married. The cookbook has long since fallen apart, but I still use this well-loved recipe:

Chicken in Dumplings
(what we’re feeding the missionaries this week)

1 1/3 cups seasoned bread crumbs, crushed
1 cups walnuts or pecans, chopped
8 T. soft butter
12 oz cream cheese with chives, softened
1 tsp pepper
1 1/3 cups sliced mushrooms, sauteed if fresh (drain if canned)
4 cups cooked, chopped chicken
4 cans Pillsbury crescent rolls
12 T. melted butter

for gravy:
Chicken broth
Flour
Salt and Pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Combine cream cheese, 4 T. butter, and pepper. Cream until smooth. Add chicken and mushrooms.

Mix crushed stuffing and nuts in a small bowl. Set aside. Put melted butter in another small bowl.

Separate rolls and stretch to a larger size. Spoon ¼ cup chicken mixture onto each roll and pinch into a ball. Roll in melted butter and then in stuffing crumbs.

Bake on cookie sheet sprayed with vegetable oil spray for 15-30 minutes at 375 degrees. Serve with chicken gravy made from broth, thickened with flour, and salt and pepper to taste.